What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:31
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why is the band Nickelback unliked so much?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Did you become a cuckold for your wife?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Are judges being lenient on hard criminals?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What does it feel like to "lose your looks" to age?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
What is one thing nice you did for someone today or something they did for you?
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What does it mean when we dream about demons, ghosts, monsters, etc.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why has my ex moved on so fast after years of being together with me?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She loved him until the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
I don,t even have a pension.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
When she asked me how she looked .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were not on the streets..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.